Sometimes I wonder if we’re all just actors on some level. I know for years there were parts of me I never revealed to others. I wanted to, but I felt it would not be well received. In my earlier years I cared as little as possible, but as I got older I became more concerned that I should have outgrown those parts of me.
Still, I wanted to be more provocative, to start difficult conversations, to express alternative opinions, to talk openly about my life. I decided not to. I started to believe that this was a luxury I would not have. I question everything, and not having an outlet was frustrating so I stopped questioning.
I love a spirited debate and presenting alternative ideas. I considered joining Toastmasters. I started many blogs. But each time I felt that I was too out there, too deep, that by speaking my truth I would do more harm than good.
So I modified parts of my personality, worked on being less sensitive, being more aggressive in certain areas, being more submissive in others, more casual about things that were important to me, more focused on things that weren’t important to me, because I felt I should. Slowly I was barely myself anymore.
I know I can’t possibly be the only one. In Dr Zhivago, Boris Pasternak wrote,
“The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant, systematic duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike and rejoice at what bring you nothing but misfortune. Our nervous system isn’t just a fiction, it’s part of our physical body, and our soul exists in space and is inside us, like teeth in our mouth. It can’t be forever violated with impunity.
Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago
Russian novelist, poet, & translator (1890 – 1960)
I think that at a certain point whoever we really are demands to be given face time. I tried to be a completely different person. It felt like I had turned myself inside out and all my wires got crossed.
Can I be provocative, sexual, kinky and a thinker? Do I need society’s permission to be a web cam model and also be passionate about my business ideas, art and making an impact on the world in my own way?
Can I care about all those things and still play with my vibrator for work sometimes or put my feet in a foot lover’s face for him or her to worship?
I figured I’d find out. I admire the women who are full time in the adult industry. I don’t know how they do it. I like variety, and I like connecting with appreciative men and women on the Internet. But I also like other industries that involve writing, creating, different types of challenges.
I found out that I have to write. I have to create. I have to stimulate my mind with challenges that exercise the knowledge and skills I have. I do things in my own time, and sometimes that seems like the speed of light and other times it seems slow as molasses in January.
Sometimes I am super kinky and other times I am just happy to enjoy nature and being creative. I love establishing strong friendships where we can be all sides of ourselves. I love brainstorming and solving problems together short or long term. I love being able to be playful and suggestive, have inside jokes and silly games.
I wonder if there are others who feel or have felt like they would like a place where they can be free to explore the parts of them they’ve never fully explored before. I wonder if we could do something about that.
I think that we are even bigger and deeper and more multi-faceted than we give ourselves credit for. I think role-playing and exploring sexuality, sensuality, and alternative versions of ourselves are great ways to find the more that we are and welcome it into our reality. I know it helped me.
I think that as we do that our world will actually begin to shift as if by magic. Often that’s all it takes—a shift in perspective, and everything changes. Role-playing is wonderful for that.
Does anyone else feel like they’re in a role-play character in real life sometimes? If so, maybe we can have a little fun with that.