I was hoping to be online tonight but it’s not happening. Instead I decided to write about something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now.
But first, I’ve been meaning to apologize for the “spamminess” of my Twitter account and blog. I have excuses, some hilarious and some not so, but I do intend to connect in a more meaningful way.
Of course, most things I share, even the clips of my feet, are rich in meanings. Usually at least two. 😉
Anyway, on to the main topic. I’ve been mulling it over and sometimes it’s just good to get it out there. I feel like it might be somewhat disjointed but at this point I’d rather publish it than let it sit anymore.
Switching and Submission
This had became something of a dilemma for me. Who was I and what did I prefer and when? Switching, as many of you know, is where someone plays the role of a submissive sometimes and a dominant at other times (or a bottom and a top). So I thought I would talk about my experiences with switching and submission in an informal, stream-of-consciousness way.
I initially began exploring submission as a way to let go. I experimented with spankings (not mixed with sex) where the sensation would send me into a space where I really felt free of all my concerns and completely present, surrendering to the moment. An escape, really, from the pressures I felt in my life that were hard to communicate to others and find relief from otherwise.
When I became a web cam model (a story perhaps for my fan club or in a clip as that certainly is one that I feel must be earned) I found fulfillment in following instructions and learning from tops or dominants.
I am also an empath, as some of you know, and I do connect with people on a deep level no matter what role I play. I feel the rhythm of other people’s subtle energies, and as a submissive this made it easy for me to connect with and understand the intention of the dominant. I was happy to connect with some wonderful dominants who I respect very much. Switches as well, who I respect deeply as I go on my journey and learn about my own dominant side and the challenges of doing both.
I also enjoyed doing shows with sissies and subs, having them perform for me and entertain me. When I first started I had been in a very sub space in my life and recently taken back control of a dynamic that had become unhealthy. My approach was–and still is–to help those who want to sub enjoy the magic of exploring submission and creativity gently and somewhat subtly through organic, natural and very customized role play that develops over time. I think I was a little timid when I first started.
But back to dominants and me.
In the last couple of years I found myself in some challenging places. I had what you might call a radical transformation and I began getting to know myself in a brand new way. I used the submissive role to learn about myself and to find my new boundaries, which were, well, very new to me. In my personal life I had gotten to the point where life could not go on as normal. I was reborn. In many ways, a baby in a woman’s body.
As I developed and processed my fears and insecurities I noticed the difference in the types of shows I was doing. I noticed how I had allowed some dominants to treat me poorly, sometimes mid-show, not knowing what to do. In real life I also met dominants who used the title of dominant and the mystery surrounding BDSM to most vanilla folks to be controlling and rude for their own empowerment, giving me new perspective and pause to explore my own relationship with domination and submission.
I knew it was their own issue; there are all kinds of people everywhere, BDSM or vanilla. But my new perspectives affected me on a deep level, as most things do. I didn’t feel in a place where I wanted to connect with anyone in that way, so I took a break.
It was also my privilege during that time to connect with some amazing dominants, male and female, who I like to refer to as gentle dominants. I know that doms and dommes all have range and styles for various occasions, and I am not putting one above the other. But I started noticing an interesting pattern in my own relationship dynamics both in real life and online and how they were related.
Much like a cat, I tended to be submissive in new territory. I was very sensitive to the new surroundings, I liked to have beginner’s mind and make sure I understood the dynamics of the environment and the people before asserting myself. But I soon learned that I wasn’t truly submissive unless you want to talk about submitting to the moment and to the environment. I later read something I believe from Midori, a domme whose style I like very much, that a true dominant knows their realm of influence.
I also noticed that with my more subtle style people became very comfortable to the point of challenging my boundaries in a disrespectful way, which was something I had to relearn to manage. I have had a lot of experience submitting to the moment, yet somehow I am also extremely strong willed. I have walked away from and survived things I’m told most people don’t for a number of reasons I’m disclosing as I feel appropriate. Perhaps it’s because of those experiences that I’m cautious and respectful while at the same time not afraid to make bold choices when appropriate.
I was told by some dominants that I was extremely submissive, and I was. I had taught myself to become that way. But inside there has always been a very dominant part of me. I understand power and I like to connect people with their greatness. I know how to manage my own power and sometimes I choose to be soft and submissive. I enjoy the experience and I believe that it gives me additional depth and perspective. I also enjoy empowering others, even already powerful dominants. And I like to learn from them.
I love to learn new perspectives and styles. I think that submission to the moment, the ability to set aside the ego and go into a place where we can receive attention and kindness–whether it’s the stern reprimand we find rejuvenating, or the delicacy of obedience, endurance for someone whose instructions we crave–that is a powerful experience that can be delivered subtly and still have enormous impact, top or bottom, sub or dom/me.
For my shows and online interactions right now I prefer to explore power exchange in a subtler way, like a dance. I want the foundation to be so strong we can expand and contract as we please, creating something amazing with our connection while still standing in our individual power. I want us to be able to play any role that’s desirable because we can feel each other deeply.
I want to create a space where we can have another life or two or three in this one, virtually. But no matter what role we play or how we explore new fantasies whether in passing or over time, I always want to energize you. Even when I leave you breathless.